About Me:
Growing up I was a normal child with one older sibling. I was rarely inside because love the outdoors. Our family always took a trip to Michigan in May to mushroom hunt and it was my favorite time of year because I loved the woods. We camped and I spent time with the naturalist because I was always in the woods. I rode my bike or walked everywhere. If I wasn't outside you would find me in the dance studio. You name it and I did it. Tap, jazz, ballet, acrobats, hula. I started working at the dance studio when I hit Jr High and loved it. I was in school during the day and at the dance studio every night. By the time I was in high school I was teaching my own classes. I taught through my first couple years of college
When I was 16 and a Jr in high school I lost my dad, my hero and my heart to cancer. He had battled a brain tumor and complications for 18 months. It started with a severe headache and our world was turned upside-down. After 18 months, several surgeries he finally went to be with God. I had to grow up instantly. My mom who held so much from me. She never told me that he was only given 18-24 months from the initial time of his illness so I had continued to work at the dance studio and loss so much time with my dad. I also ended up becoming the adult in the family because my mom was angry at everyone and I dealt with her rages. Life had changed in a hurry. I lost my dad, I lost what was left of my childhood, and I was so busy taking care of mom that I really never had a chance to grieve. My mom wan't there to make sure I was ok because she was lost in her own grief. My brother was trying to deal with our loss in his own way. I was left on my own so I threw myself back into school, back into the dance studio and put up a wall. The boy I was dating at the time of my dad's death tried to be there for me but I pushed him away. Here I am almost 31 yrs later and am just now facing the grief. I have "eaten" my feelings for so long. It got worse about 4 yrs ago when my mom (whom lives with my husband, kids and I) started showing signs of Alzheimer's. Dealing with her and having my life change again. I am angry I am dealing with this. I am now no longer the child but the mom to my own mother. I am angry that my dad isn't here to help or talk to . I am angry that my brother isn't more help. ( He honestly does what he can) I am angry that I can't just go and do what I want, when I want anymore. I don't show that anger.. I eat it.
My Dr. has been after me for some time to lose weight. I have now topped 400 lbs. and I am miserable. I know I need to lose weight but just haven't come to the point that I had to do it and do it for me. I miss so much in life right now that it's time. I am finally taking the steps toward to finding me again.
Step one: This blog .. I won't hold anything back and it makes me accountable. By finally putting it in writing where I have to accept and find solutions to my issues.
Step two: I joined Weight Watchers online. Do I know how I should eat. Yes, I sure do.. I just don't do it. Weight Watchers will give me an easier way to tract my eating (points) and give me the support (boards) that I need.
Step three: Making sure that I have healthy foods and snacks in the house to eat. I will not only be changing how I cook for me but also for my husband and children. I am making up master grocery lists and searching for healthy recipes.
Step four: Making sure that I have all the tools I need to make this journey successful. I have downloaded apps to my table and phone. I have ordered myself a nice water glass (Tervis) and ordering divided plates so I can keep my portion controls under control.
I have a long journey ahead of me but it's a journey worth taking. There is so much that I want to do that I can't now due to my weight. I will share those as each day passes.
Until tomorrow ~ P
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